I fell to my knees on the gravel road, I wanted to vomit, my stomach was in knots and it was beginning to remind me of all those feelings I felt on April 6, 2005, only worse. I was trying to maintain some control and not completely and utterly lose it. I was beginning to bargain with God. How could you? Why would you? Have I not suffered enough? Those words were coming into my head, could I still believe in God, even if…?
I looked up at Scotty and yelled “WHY? What do we do?”
My Mom asked Baylor, my 3-year-old, if he would like to get a pumpkin for her from her garden, which was about 200 meters away from the house.
“You mean go on the big road?” Baylor asked, “yes,” my mom said thinking of the little dirt road that connected the yard to the little pumpkin patch. About 10 min later, I decide to head outside to check on him. I walked down to the little pumpkin patch and he was not there, I yelled his name, I ran to the house to tell Scotty and my Mom that I couldn’t find him. We all instantly realized what he had meant when he asked about the “big road.” He was headed to the extremely busy road near my parent’s house!
They came out and Scotty started yelling his name, I ran to the ditch, then my Mom jumped in her car and sped down the road. I knew if she did not return with Baylor, that would be it. He was 3-years-old headed for one of the busiest streets where we live. My mind instantly flashed to all the horrific things that could happen. This is where I found myself on my knees begging God. After 5 min, I saw my Mom’s car coming down the road and as a lump the size of a watermelon grew in my throat.
Would I trust God even if she did not have Baylor with her?
Would I still believe that God loved me?
As she got closer she honked and waved indicating that she had found him. She had found him running along the side of a very busy road, he was heading to the pumpkin patch several miles away that my sister had taken him to the day prior. As Baylor got out and ran towards me, you would have thought I had not seen him in years. I grabbed and squeezed him so tight, knowing that he is truly not mine and knowing that each moment we have together is so precious.
I broke down and the tears started flowing. The tears I was crying in stress and desperation turned to joyful, thankful tears and praise was in my heart. I still get a lump in my gut sharing this story, even weeks later, because honestly it made me reflect would I be like Job in the Bible? Could I have everything stripped from me and still praise God? Could I trust God with my heart and my children? Could I trust that my children are not mine but HIS? Do I believe that God loves my children even more than I do?
These are the questions I’ve been pondering. Is God truly enough? In the tragic moments, in the everyday, the mundane, is He enough? He was instantly enough for me when I was praising him and thankful for the safe return of my precious boy, but would he have been enough for me if not? Do I believe that He is truly good and that His love will cover me and my family no matter what happens?
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21