It was an awful day at the hospital. Scotty had been whisked off several times for CT scans, he was having terrible headaches and cerebral spinal fluid was leaking from his nose and on top of that, he was coming to grips with the fact that his world was going to be forever black, no hope for sight. On this day, Scotty had been very mean to me, telling me he did not need me and asked me why I kept coming back everyday. He eventually just told me to get the hell out. So I left. As I was walking out of the hospital doors, I remember thinking I had lost it all. I’d quit my nursing job and Scotty was on the fast track to being medically retired and labeled a “disabled veteran,”we would both be jobless.
I had a million thoughts running through my head, how could I work if I was caring for him? Images of drunk homeless veterans begging for money kept creeping in my mind, there were plenty of them all over DC. Was that going to be our new life? Were we about to be homeless, with no future, no kids, no joy and no happiness?
As I stepped outside and began my journey to my tiny little hotel room, I walked behind the hospital generators which were buzzing so loudly I could barely hear myself, I was breathing in the cold crisp air, someone could have been lurking around the corner, but I didn’t care, I was fearless in regards to my own life since I had essentially lost it. I was slowly dying with Scotty. But as I looked up at the moon and the stars shining so brightly, and I shouted in my own head. THIS WILL NOT DEFINE ME!!
It was a choice, but I had to start somewhere, I told myself that Scotty will not define me, this situation will not define me and that I was going to choose another way for us. The darkness of despair had already taken Scotty and I could feel it pulling me in too, but I was not going to let it, I was going to choose a different path.
That day I made a choice to let something different define me. I had to, for myself and for Scotty. He would soon see the light and follow.