Why do I write and share my deepest secrets with you all? Why would I talk about the hardest parts of my life to people I haven’t met? To be honest, it’s partly for selfish reasons, writing my heart has turned out to be a great outlet for me, I have grown by leaps and bounds by simply sharing my genuine experiences and feelings. I also felt so isolated and alone for so long that I had to believe that I was not the only one feeling this way. I had heard it for years, “wow, how have you done this? Your family is so beautiful and put together, how do you do it?” I could not stand it because inside I was a tornado of emotion, hurt, pain and of doubt, how in the world did I get to where I was?
On one hand, I was beyond grateful and happy for Scotty’s recovery, success and the opportunity that had come his way. Scotty’s success and joy in life was a complete answer to prayer, it was all I ever wanted for him, but it was a weird thing to be completely grateful to God and on the other hand, be completely ticked off at God! I was mad at God for how I was feeling, for how I was never allowed to grieve the life I thought I would have, for how I had to be strong and how people treated me when I started to break down. I hated when people asked how do you do it? I would always answer, by the grace of God, which is very true, but I only half heartedly believed it. I would smile and hand a Hope Unseen book to them, but it was the most bizarre feeling to be completely thankful and completely ticked. It was like I knew I would have to hit rock bottom before I could start over. I mean most people don’t raise their hand and say “yes pick me, I want to hit rock bottom.” No thanks! I didn’t want to join that club, but all the sudden I found myself in it.
You know that feeling when you really don’t want to go down a certain path, but you know it is inevitable? Looking back now, I’m thankful for all those feelings, for all the heartache, for walking a path that I that I didn’t understand, I’m thankful for it all. It has shown me so much about God, myself, my purpose and given me a fire to share, to inspire and to use my hurt and tragedy for good, to help others.
We all need each other and together our unique paths and journeys can serve others in huge ways. I was embarrassed that I was so mad a God, but it was all a part of discovering where our tragedy fit in and how God was using it. Maybe for you it’s not a huge tragedy, maybe it’s disappointment in marriage, an unfair childhood, whatever it is, it hurts and it is real and you’re not sure what what purpose your pain has. We have all felt this way and that’s why sharing our journey with each other can be so beneficial to others. How marvelous does it feel when you find out someone totally understands where you are coming from? Or that someone has been in your exact place?
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28.
There have been times when I looked at this scripture and thought, yeah right, I think God forgot about me somewhere in the equation and how can he possibly take this broken, stressed out life and use this mess for good? But now every time when I read this verse I can say with certainty that yes all things do work for good according to God’s plan. God’s plan filled me with a purpose and hope and I know He can fill you with the same. Don’t lose heart keep seeking, trying, learning and sharing. Run to your Father’s open arms and be renewed and refreshed every single day.